Big brother Grant can always get Grayson to smile, even when he is sick!

Grayson update

We had a pretty rough night again last night. Grayson did sleep a little bit better than he has been, but he was still up most of the night crying. When he was asleep I had a really hard time sleeping because everytime he rubs his nose he pulls his oxygen out. I was so worried that he would pull it out and I wouldnt wake up, then he would go all night without it on. This morning Grayson was awake for about an hour and a half and only cried a little bit during that time! That is definitely improvement! Grant and Grayson really have this special little bond between them. Grant got Gray-gray to smile a couple times this morning before he went to school, it was so sweet. After Grant went to school Grayson fell asleep in his swing and I was not going to wake him up by moving him, so I laid down on the couch and fell asleep until Praxair knocked at the door. They came to drop off more oxygen for Grayson. I am now the proud owner of several oxygen tanks(totalling 262 hours worth of usage) I really hope he will not have to be on the oxygen that long. We did get another nap in this afternoon as well. I feel horrible. I think I may have strep throat or something, but I am just grateful that Grayson and I are both getting a little more sleep than we have been. Hopefully we will get a little more tonight than last night and each night will continue to get better.

Grayson update

We were able to come home from the hospital, instead of staying another night. Thank goodness for that. I dont know if I could have done another night. Grayson did come home with oxygen because he couldnt keep his saturation up. He is still absolutely miserable. I feel so helpless and all I can do is TRY to make him comfortable. Which is really hard because he is in a lot of pain and he HATES the tubes being in his nose. 

This is on our way home from the hospital.

 Grayson was very happy to be home! When we got home we were all exhausted. Grant really wanted to stay at Maama and Papa's for dinner so we let him and we went home and all took a nice nap. We slept until about 6:00 and then Jared went and got Grant.

 Grayson really hates the tubes and they are really bugging him, so the nurse told me to swaddle him so that he doesnt pull the tubes out, especially while we are sleeping. Well I dont think that was such a good idea. When we woke up he had a fever of 103.4 so I immediately undressed him and he started to cool down a little. He has had some really bad diahrea so I was concerned about dehydration again. I gave him a little bit of pedialyte and it came right back up along with the little bit of breastmilk I could get him to eat. It was all over him so he got a tubby. He loves tubbies!

The tubby actually helped quite a bit with the fever, so that is good. And he was relaxed enough that he did eat a little more and he kept it down. But the poor boy is sleeping with a towel because he keeps throwing up and mommy is so exhausted I dont want to do another tubby tonight. He is sleeping now, but not soundly. I am going to go try to get a little sleep myself. 

So very grateful

Feeling really grateful today. I got the chance to go to lunch with my husband and a friend of ours. She got married a little while back and she was telling me how she and her husband really want a baby, but it just isnt happening right now for them. As I sat across the table from her you could see the sadness in her eyes, although she puts a big smile on. I could see the same sadness I felt for so long. All I could do was sympathize for her, because honestly I dont know what to say. I remember being in that position and anything anyone ever said to me just made me feel worse, even though I know they were trying to help. Lugging Grayson to the car I silently thanked Gad for the miracle he has sent me. As I cried on the drive home I couldnt quit looking in his little elephant mirror to see his perfect little face softly sleeping. I am so incredibly grateful for the many blessings and miracles I have. I know that God has a plan for me and I am so honored that he trusted me with two of his precious children. I am not sure why I had to wait for so long to have Grayson in my life, but I trust that it was for a very good reason. I am trying my hardest to do right by these precious boys. I love them more than I could ever express. I cant even imagine a life without them. I wanted a girl so bad, until that first glimpse into Grayson's sweet little blue eyes. I knew right then HE was meant for us. I wouldnt change him for anything. I dont think that anyone could ever comprehend the impact this boy has had on me in the short 5 months that he has been here. I would lay down my life for my boys. 

Spring?

It is so nice out today. Usually on sundays we are pretty lazy. It is a day of rest. But me and the boys were bored so we went on a walk to the park. We put jackets on but we didnt need them, it was pretty warm. So I put Grayson in the stroller and we were on our way. He LOVED it so much! He had the biggest smile on his face. I think he was just happy to be outside. What kid doesnt like being outside? Well he loves it! I cant wait for spring and summer. It will be so much fun to show Grayson this big amazing world we live in. We will go to the park and go swimming and play outside all the time!!
Grant really enjoys helping Grayson learn new things and showing him the world too. He was excited to take Graygray down the slide and put him in the swing. Grayson LOVED the swing. I didnt really push him, I just held his hands and pulled him back and forth a little. He giggled and giggled, it was so stinkin cute!
Jared says it is supposed to snow this week, so for the time being we are really enjoying this nice day! And cant wait for the spring to come!

5 months

My sweet little happy boy is 5 months old. Here are some of the things I want to remember about this fleeting moment in his life..

-He is such a happy happy boy
-He is now obsessed with his feet and putting them in his mouth
-It only took him one short day to figure out that he can get his socks off
-He is a great eater and loves real food
-He is still mostly breastfeeding
-He is in constant motion and hardly ever holds still
-But when he is tired he is so cuddly
-He still loves his blankie
-He would take or leave the binki, unless he is tired, then he wants it
-EVERYTHING goes in his mouth
-He is finally sleeping through the night again
-When he is tired and he is fghting to stay awake he moans (it is the cutest thing ever)
-I absolutely love it when he lays down and falls asleep on my shoulder
-The bond between Grant and Grayson is ever growing
-He wont stay on a blanket anymore, because he can scoot himself or roll
-He is such a JOY to have around
-We love him so so much!

Happy 5 months to my little Gray-Gray!!

New toy

Grayson's thought process behind eating his own socks:

"Mom left me here on the floor with nothing to play with."

"Hmm, I know these are clean."

"They dont taste too bad."

"Kindof a funky texture, but it feels good on my gums."

"If I drop it all I have to do is lift my legs and there it is again."

"Only draw back? My feet are going to freeze the rest of the day."

"Unless... Mom puts a new clean pair on."

"In that case I can just do it again!"

"Score"

Now that he has made this new discovery, he does it... ALL DAY LONG!!

We miss Grandma

I have this wonderful picture of my Grandma and Grant in my scrapbook room. It is sitting on my counter, right in front of me while I am scrapping. All I have to do is glance up at it and it either puts a smile on my face or a tear in my eye. I love this picture! Grant likes to come in my room and scrapbook with me. He has his own drawer in my room, full of all his own pictures and  supplies. Tonight after he was done with his page he came over and wrapped his arms around my waist. He was just staring at this picture up on the counter. He didnt say anything so I asked him, "what's the matter honey?" In the sweetest and saddest little voice he said to me, "I hate cancer mom" It made me so sad. I picked him up and set him on my lap, and our conversation went a little like this.
me "I know sweetheart, I hate it too"
G "I really miss Grandma. I wish she didnt have to leave us."
me "me too bud."
G "She was great. I wish she was only 50 years old, then she wouldnt have died so soon."
me "well honey when you have cancer it doesnt always work that way."
G "well I still wish she was here"
me "I do too bud. I miss her a lot too, but you know you can always talk to me when you get sad."
G "I love that picture of me with my Grandma Bennett mom. And you know what? Pictures are great reminders of wonderful memories we have."
me "you're right. Do you remember this day we spent with Grandma."
G "yep, we went to the park and had a picnic."
By this time I am tearing up.
me "I am so glad you remember that. And I hope you always will, Grant."
G "I will, cause we have this picture to always remind us"
My little guy is such a feeler. He is sweet. I just love him so much, and I miss Grandma as much as he does. I really do hope that he will always remember the times he had with Grandma. I am going to try to preserve those memories for him, so I am going to make him his very own scrapbook full of pictures of him and Grandma! I think he will really love that. I just wish I had a million more pictures of them together. I love you Grandma and I miss you!!

Update on Operation CIO

Operation CIO is not going as I had expected. It was going well and we were making good progress. Then we left the boys over night at my parents. Grayson did really well with my mom. He slept from 8:30 to 6:30- 10 hours straight! That is so awesome! I was so proud of him. But now it seems that we are starting all over. Sunday night he woke several times and did a lot of crying. Last night it was only twice, but he cried for a while. I am really hoping that this will be over soon. Im not sure how much more I can take of just letting my baby cry. I know if I were to just go give him his binki he would go right back to sleep, but then we would be right back to where we started. Am I doing the right thing? I was so sure in the beginning. Are there any other options I havent thought of? Does anyone else have any suggestions? Or do I just need to continue to stick it out? Help me!